#KwentongBokasyonMoShareMo:
The Kuya Bok of HugotSeminarista Story
“Darkness is the absence of light; and when light is manifested, it dispels the darkness.”
Electricity or electric current, as we are all aware of, is the product of positive particle called protons and the negative particle called electrons.
In physics, electricity was first generated when a magnet, with its positive and negative poles, was made to move inside a metal coil. Without the opposite poles of the magnet, and without the force that moves it in the coil, no electrical power can be generated. Likewise, in real life, there can also be no abundant flow of wisdom without the interaction or without experiencing the good and the bad struggles or the “positive and negative particles of life.” Because if God wants someone to learn things in a positive way, He may first give that person some education in a negative way. I came to realize that because of darkness, I was able to appreciate light more and more.
Now, I want to become a light to help others when their world becomes dark. Well, my vocation story is like a light bulb. It became brighter because of the interaction of two opposite poles: the positive and the negative. And God’s the one that moves and created the magnet, God is my source of being. God had prepared me in so many ways for my vocation and I can never be grateful enough. God sent the current for my light bulb to light up other’s lives when they go through darkness and that current grows ever stronger as I go through hardships.
It is hard for me to believe that it has been 15 blessed years since I began serious discernment. My parents made sure I was well educated in the Catholic faith which allowed me to be open to priesthood life early on. It was my mother who introduced me to the Holy Mass as a little boy and I would often recall that it was my early attraction to the Eucharist which made me aspire to become a priest.
There is nothing really spectacular in my calling, in my case, the voice of the Lord was not heard in any dramatic way, neither that story of a person who witness levitation, nor a transformation story of a black sheep seeing an extraordinary signs and wonders. If there is one reason why I still want to pursue my vocation, it is because I still want to fulfill the innocent desire of a 7-year old me, that even the 22 year old me still wanted to pursue. Though it may seem ordinary, the fact that the root of this vocation planted by the Holy sower in the very depth of my heart, I can say that this is now extraordinary.
The second inclination towards priesthood life came because of Mama Mary. I developed a great affection for Nana Pillar, Our Blessed Mother, as a child when I heard the story of her apparition atop the Pillar. Being a full-blooded Cauayeño, who resides around the vicinity of Our Lady of the Pillar Parish, the great apparition amazed me so much that it encouraged me to be the youngest prayer leader who leads the house-to-house novena in our barangay.
I still remember what my mother told me—It was a funny encounter my parents had when I was younger—They teased and asked me how many wives would I like to marry in the future. The 7-year-old me unknowingly answered, “Wala po, gusto ko si mama Mary, gusto ko magpari.” Shortly after as my high school catechist was telling us about the different vocations, she suggested that some of us should consider religious life or priesthood vocation. My eyes widened as she spoke and I knew in a way that the message was for me. After that, I decided to be part of the knights of the altar and eventually, found my love in singing hymns to the Lord when I joined the parish youth choir.
After I graduated from high school, I went to Our Lady of the Pillar College-Cauayan to continue my studies. Around this time, I shared with my parents my intentions to enter the seminary. They were not always supportive especially in the beginning. It was a bittersweet encounter because they would also have to renounce their own desires for me. They want me to become a teacher, so I obeyed, for I know that seminary formation fees would cost twice than the course they want me to take. That time, I thought I will never experience the seminary life, the life that God wants me to have.
My childhood desire eventually flickered away in obedience to my mother who disapproved my idea of entering the seminary formation. But another twist and turn, happened; I was in second year college back then when I met a group of seminarians wearing a black clerical. And they happened to be my classmates in one of my minor subject. Luckily, I was able to know through them how happily they responded, and continue to respond, to the call of God. That time, I knew, the light of my vocation was still there. I still wanted to become one of them. I still wanted to become a priest. I still wanted to become God’s rays of light that dispels darkness.
For the second time, I shared with my parents my intention to enter the seminary. My parents were able to see me interact with the community and received much peace, seeing clearly that it was part of God’s plan for them to let me enter the seminary, finally.
My life inside the seminary was one the best encounter of my life, yes, I agree that I was not as easy as it seemed. I thought, being inside will help my mother accept that I am really for priesthood but she did her best just for me to think, not once, not twice and not even thrice. She convinced me to go out for a couple of times, telling different reasons and alibies, but I resisted. Until one Sunday came, it was during our general permission time, the hour that happeneds to be the most crucial hour of my discernment, wherein I almost lost hope. It happened when my mother told me, "labas ka muna, hindi ko na kasi kaya 'yung ginagawa ng tatay mo sa amin, sinasaktan niya kami." Yes, it is another dark moment of my vocation story. My mother even told me that my father was enlisted in the drug narco-list issued by the barangay. And any time, he could be one of the victims of extra-judicial killings. So, for the third time, she convinced me to go out of the seminary. At first, I was hesitant, because I really wanted to continue my life inside the seminary but I realized, my mother knows what’s really best for me. Through the intercession of Nana Pillar (Our Lady) and through the guidance of the Lord, with proper discernment and constant prayers, the vulnerable me was able to decide what to do next.
I went out of the seminary to continue the life I left outside, to be with my family, and to fulfill my goal why I left the formation, which is to be the light to my family first, before lighting others.
Even things weren't as clear as water to me, my heart still knew that I would soon be back to the formation—to once more seal my obedience and to once more be God's light to people. So I promised myself to prepare, and wait for that perfect timing. While waiting for that perfect timing, many great things had happened: my father who was once a drug user became a church-goer; my mother who doesn’t want to support me now pushes me to become a priest someday; I already finished my degree and three years ago, God helped me to create a platform that will help the priesthood vocation be known through social media, it’s Facebook page for Seminarians that I didn’t expect to be recognized by the well-known Catholic Award giving body for It was being nominated for four blessed times in the Catholic Social Media Awards for two consecutive year, together with the biggest names like Fr. Luciano Felloni, Bo Sanchez, and Sir Mimo Perez. Now, people call me as "Kuya Bok" shortened for "Kuya sa bokasyon." the founder of my Catholic-based Facebook page, HugotSeminarista, who now reached its 3 years in evangelizing its 159, 000 likers and 162 000 followers. God is indeed great for He also helped me reach my dream to become a writer and published my first book.
15 years ago, I came to a point in my life when I experienced a deep sense of emptiness despite the good opportunities and until now, I am still searching ways in order to fill that emptiness. Yes, I have a promising vocation as the founder and the head admin of HugotSeminarista, evangelizing a hundred thousand of people. And yes, I am enjoying living my life with my family. I already reached my dream dreams, but in spite of these good things I have and I will be having in the future, there seem to be "something" missing in my life that longs to be fulfilled. These past few months, I became restless, wanting to find something but I didn’t know what it was that I was looking for, and so I began my search to fill this emptiness within.
Every day, I spend hours in the adoration chapel, allowing myself to feel the light of the Divine. The Lord continued His work, and I found myself spending more and more time before the Blessed Sacrament. I had always believed in His Presence, but now I was falling in love! The moment I read St. Francis of Assisi’s life and works, a quotation struck me: “This is what I want, this is what I seek, this is what I long to do with all my heart!”, I knew in my heart that my search was over. I finally found who I was searching for. And I realized that the "something" that I was actually looking was a "Someone." It was Jesus and it will be Him forever. All this time, all I wanted is to be with Him, to offer a life devoted to Him as His priest, as His rays of light that dispels darkness.
2019, the year I thought I was ready to respond to the call was also the year that broke me-and said "You're still vulnerable, Red, your light can't still dispel darkness.” It happened when someone came to my life, someone that I didn't expect to fall in love with.
At first, I questioned God for letting me fall in love with that person. I questioned God for He knew that I had waited and prepared for this. I questioned God for allowing unexpected people to come and to make and break me. But one time, I realized. It was not actually God who chose to fall in love. It was not God who chose to be distracted. It was not God, It was I. It was me, so, I shouldn't blame Him for what I did because I was the only one who is to be blamed for my actions not even the person I didn't expect to fall in love with. So, I prayed long and hard. I cried long and hard. And God struck me with the reality that I'm still the vulnerable Red that I used to be.
Honestly, I thought I needed to choose between priesthood and the person I love. But I realized that it was not about choosing between the two anymore, it's now about me being obedient. It's now about me being faithful to my vocation. And I want to thank that person from my innermost heart for making me realize my weaknesses.
Last time, I asked myself once more with the questions: “Kaya ko na ba 'to? Kapag ba bumalik ako hindi na ako lalabas ulit? Kapag ba bumalik ako hindi na ako magiging marupok ulit?” Well, my honest answer is no. Yes, I know that I am weak. I am still weak. But what’s good in being weak is that, I am open to let God strengthen the vulnerable me. Yes, I am weak. I am accepting my weakness to find His strength. For His brightness is perfected in darkness.
It has been years since I left the seminary to continue my life outside. In those years, I can humbly say that I have grown more, both emotionally and spiritually. I am so much grateful for the opportunity that has been given me in experiencing life outside the seminary.— my college life, the roller coaster ride experience with my family, the flickering moment of my vocation, my new ventures, my new friends, my achievements and failures. These things really gave me an ample time to realize that God’s love for me far surpasses my misgivings, my weaknesses and my sinfulness. It also gave me a brighter opportunity to have a deeper reflection and discernment on my vocation to the priesthood. During my discernment, I have been humbled by the experiences our Lord has granted me. These challenges helped me realize once more what my heart really wants. The time I have spent helped me to look deeper within and seek where I must truly be.
A long and strenuous journey may still await me should I be allowed to continue responding to God’s call. Despite and in spite of it, I would still offer myself to God to be continuously formed and transformed according to His plan for me, all in His grace and with the help of the community, my seminary formators, and my brothers in the formation.
At this moment, I don’t have any regrets on what had happened in the past for I consider it as a blessing in disguise. I fully understand now that God uses my deepest pain as a realization for my greatest calling. The important thing is, I’ve learned how to appreciate my darkness to be a living proof of God's brightness.
To this day, whenever I experience difficulties in the life where God called me to follow Him, I take time to look back my vocation story and relived the first time I heard the call, to remind me that God himself was the One who called me by name, despite of my sinfulness and my past. I am fully aware that the road to that I will be taking is not always full of street lights but full of dark spaces trying to catch light. It has many ups and downs thus I keep on praying for the light of deeper faith, to persevere and to live day-by-day as His rays of light that dispels darkness.
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